


You Deserve Good Things

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Betrayal, Blow Jobs, Come as Lube, Drinking, Drunk Sex, Fluffy Ending, Frottage, Helplessness, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Regret, Unrequited Love, distraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-11 15:36:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11151396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Kyo wasn’t really the kind of person Die could sit down and ask to open up to him. This was something he’d had to come to terms with long ago, back when he’d first realized that his feelings for Kyo were more than professional, or even friendly. He couldn’t “fix” Kyo and bring him up out of himself, and he wouldn’twantto, wouldn’t want to change who Kyo was, but still he wanted to be there for him. He hated seeing Kyo like this and hated feeling so helpless.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing as always, and this is just some really, really typical nonsense, I think. On the moderately angsty side but *shrug* not too serious? Enjoy!

Kyo was in another one of his funks. It wasn’t clear to anyone else exactly what had triggered it, but none of his bandmates had failed to noticed that his mood was significantly lower even than usual, and had been all week.

Die watched him carefully, searching for signs that Kyo needed _help_ more than just time to level back out from a low spell. Leaning a bit more heavily on the desk in front of him, he let his eyes wander over the small, angst-ridden vocalist.

Kyo had his laptop in front of him, his headphones on, but his head was leaned against the back of his chair and his eyes were closed. He hadn’t moved at all in the past twenty minutes and Die might have thought he was asleep if not for the deep furrow of his brow or his constantly working jaw. No, he was awake; he just didn’t seem too happy about that fact.

Die turned his eyes back to his own laptop, working through some of his band-related emails. He was satisfied that Kyo wasn’t showing signs of being in any serious danger, but he still wondered just what was torturing him so much. Kyo wasn’t really the kind of person Die could sit down and ask to open up to him. This was something he’d had to come to terms with long ago, back when he’d first realized that his feelings for Kyo were more than professional, or even friendly. He couldn’t “fix” Kyo and bring him up out of himself, and he wouldn’t _want_ to, wouldn’t want to change who Kyo was, but still he wanted to be there for him. He hated seeing Kyo like this and hated feeling so helpless.

By the end of the day, Die was emotionally exhausted. It had been the same every day this week, with Die checking in on Kyo only to be waved off before he could even offer anything—not that he knew really what he wanted to offer. He just knew he was always keeping an eye on Kyo anyway, without any particular goal in mind, and if that wore him out as much as it did, he might as well be even more straightforward and see if there wasn’t something he could be _actually_ helping Kyo with. He decided to try to talk to Kyo (again) as he saw him getting ready to leave.

There was a certain lethargic quality to the way Kyo went about unplugging his headphones and winding up the cord. Die stood in front of him for a few moments before Kyo really looked at him. He just gave a small nod of acknowledgement, and Die took it as a kind of signal that it was okay for him to start talking.

Everything Die wanted to say sounded pathetic in his head. After a couple of false starts he said, “Is there… anything I can do?”

Kyo shrugged and looked back at his headphones before moving to put them in his bag. “I’ll be fine.”

“You will be,” Die said. “But you’re not now?”

Kyo glanced up at him again. “I will be.”

Die wanted to scream, wanted to _shake_ Kyo, just wanted him to let him _help_. It was almost appalling how much it hurt just to see Kyo hurting. He sighed and waited for Kyo to finish packing his bag. “In the meantime?”

“I’m here,” Kyo said. “I’m not trying to worry you.”

“I know you’re not _trying_ to,” Die said. Without overthinking and stopping himself, he stepped forward and tugged Kyo into his arms. Normally he didn’t attempt hugs with him, but this time he couldn’t seem to help it and just held Kyo tight against himself, lost for what else he could do.

Kyo just let it happen. He didn’t hug back, but he let himself be enveloped, let his forehead rest against Die’s collarbone without protest.

Finally Die let go, but when he met Kyo’s eyes again, he felt heartbroken to see he wasn’t wearing that grim, self-deprecating half-smile that Die had come to associate with the reassurance that Kyo would be okay. Instead Kyo looked at him blankly, his dark eyes lost and still reflecting some unfathomable _hurt_.

“Sorry if I’m troubling you,” Kyo said, and the sincerity in it made Die’s chest feel constricted.

“Don’t—I… you’re forgiven,” Die said, keeping himself from pulling Kyo towards him again. “Please, just tell me if I can do… _any_ thing.”

Kyo nodded, his eyes focused somewhere past Die’s shoulder. “I’m going to head home.” He took up his backpack then and walked out without another word, and Die let himself watch him go.

“It’s making you nuts not knowing what the problem is, right?” A low voice by Die’s shoulder startled him and he turned to find Shinya there, looking towards the door by which Kyo had made his exit.

“Honestly, I just can’t stand to see him hurting so much,” Die said. He let out a short laugh. “You’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now, wouldn’t you?”

“I know what you mean,” Shinya said. “He’s been one of my closest friends for so many years.”

“…Right,” Die said. It wasn’t exactly the feeling he was experiencing, but maybe Shinya did understand to some extent. “So then do _you_ know what the problem is?” he asked.

Shinya shrugged and shifted his bag on his shoulder. “It’s hard to say with Kyo. It’s always something. It could be seasonal, or an anniversary of something, or maybe it really is just something in his head.”

“It seems worse… than usual,” Die said. He gathered up a few things from the desk he’d been using, slid his phone into his jeans pocket. He draped his scarf loosely over his shoulders. “He seems more out of it, or… I don’t know.”

“You might be right,” Shinya said. “My personal opinion? I think he’s _painfully_ lonely. He never lets anyone in, and his private life is so private he doesn’t even _have_ one.” He gave Die a strange, sad sort of look. “He would never admit it. He’s… punishing himself. He thinks somehow that he deserves that kind of loneliness and that he can just live with it. He doesn’t get that he doesn’t _have_ to.”

Die frowned, his jaw tight. “But he won’t let anyone help him, so he can’t feel any less lonely.”

“Exactly,” Shinya said. “It’s a prison of his own making, but he’ll stay there until it kills him because he’s convinced if he ‘deserved’ to be loved, it would just… happen.”

Die scrubbed a hand over his face and pushed it back through his hair. “I need a drink.”

“And this is why I don’t spend a lot of energy trying to figure out _why_ Kyo is sad,” Shinya said with a small smile. “All I can do is try to be available when he is.”

“Does that work? I mean, does he come to you when he needs you?”

“Sometimes. Other times I wonder if my being there is more for me than it is for him.” Shinya put on his sunglasses, but seemed to be waiting for Die before actually leaving.

“I’ll see you tomorrow…?” Die said uncertainly.

“How about that drink?” Shinya said. “You said you needed one. Come over and we can keep talking, if you like.”

Die was a little surprised. It had been a while since he and Shinya really hung out, but maybe it would be nice to spend the evening with someone who did at least somewhat get the helplessness he felt with regards to Kyo. Or maybe the company could actually take his mind _off_ his emotionally-compromised bandmate. “That sounds nice, actually. Thanks.”

They took a cab to Shinya’s apartment, and on the ride Shinya brought up DECAYS, asking how it felt to make music so different from Dir en grey. 

“Is that the kind of music you _really_ want to be making?” Shinya asked. “Does it feel truer than what we do in our group?”

Die frowned. “No, it’s not more or less. It’s just different. You know what it’s like. How’s your solo project going?”

“Different,” Shinya agreed. “In a way, there’s more freedom to express what _I_ want to, rather than to produce an image we can all agree on, but what we create as Dir en grey is something I would never give up willingly.”

Die didn’t like even taking the few seconds to imagine what his life would be like without Dir en grey, without that connection to Kyo, among everything else. He let Shinya carry the conversation for the rest of the trip, talking about other artists he respected or was friendly with, people with whom he was interested in collaborating. 

When they arrived and Shinya let them into the apartment, Die looked around and found he couldn’t honestly remember if he had ever been there before. It wasn’t exactly familiar, but there was something so absolutely _Shinya_ about it that he just couldn’t be sure.

After shoes and jackets were removed, Shinya brought them into his cozy dining room and had Die sit at the table while he grabbed a couple beers from the fridge. He came back and settled in the seat next to Die rather than across from him, leaving just the corner of the table between them.

Die’s hopes of getting Kyo off his mind were quickly dashed as Shinya started off with, “The thing is, every human _needs_ contact and affection from other humans, but Kyo has been _hurt_ so many times and so _badly_ that he doesn’t trust anyone enough to let them get that close anymore.”

“Right, ‘cause he used to be so warm and friendly,” Die said before he took a sip of his beer.

“Kyo is still warm,” Shinya said. “But he used to have more energy for friendliness.”

“So why does he like you better than the rest of us?”

Shinya gave Die a perplexed look and opened his mouth to say something, only to have a light laugh come out. “What makes you say that?”

“I was pretty sure it was just fact,” Die said. “You said he opens up to you at least occasionally. I feel, especially when he’s like this, like he’s totally walled off, shutting me out.”

Shinya sighed and turned his beer around where it sat on the table. “You shouldn’t read into that a… _dislike_. He’s just trying not to suck you into his depressive spiral.”

“But it makes me feel so fucking useless!” Die said. “He’s gotta know how much I would do to help if he’d let me, but…”

“Maybe I’m just less demanding than the rest of you,” Shinya said thoughtfully. “Even in a situation like this, I’m more inclined to let _him_ be the judge of when or how badly he needs me.”

“Sometimes it’s nice to be needed,” Die muttered.

Before he even really noticed, Die had finished off his beer, and then finished his second beer, and then he wasn’t really counting anymore. He knew he felt pleasantly loose, and they were _still_ talking about Kyo. He was getting increasingly concerned that his tipsiness would lead to him saying a bit more about his feelings for Kyo than he wanted to, and tried to get Shinya to do more of the talking instead.

“He’s so hard on himself,” Shinya was saying. “I remember there was this period where he was obsessed with this idea that his voice wasn’t ‘ _interesting_ ’ enough.”

Die sputtered briefly, at the idea that _any_ part of Kyo wasn’t _interesting_ , much less his voice, which was arguably the most publicly phenomenal of his attributes. “His _voice_? In what universe…?”

“He had this thing about it, was always comparing himself to other vocalists and talking about how distinctive or strange their voices were, how he could never achieve that.” Shinya shook his head and paused for a long moment before going on. He’d had a number of beers himself and it was showing, small cracks appearing in his calm and reserved demeanor. “His… _instrument_ is so diverse and capable of such a variety of techniques that most people would find impossible. I don’t know if he got over it or if he just stopped talking about it.”

“Did you tell him to stop talking about it?”

“Not in so many words, but he may have gotten the idea that I wanted him to.”

“He’s lucky he has you to talk some sense into him,” Die said, feeling it was very true.

“Not like he listens to me all the time,” Shinya said, shaking his head again. “And there are some things he’s confided that I’d rather not be the sole keeper of, you know? He’s… exhausting.”

“I think so too, and I don’t even have him confiding next level shit to me,” Die said.

Shinya let out a loud and undignified snort, and immediately looked embarrassed, covering his mouth with his hand.

Die laughed openly at him. “Why, Shinya, have you been drinking?”

“I think I may have been,” Shinya said.

“You’re talking a lot more than usual.”

“And you look way more kissable than I usually think you do,” Shinya added.

Die laughed and then stopped. “Wait, what? _I_ do?”

Shinya’s eyes widened as he said, “I did say that out loud then, didn’t I?”

Die suddenly wasn’t sure whether he should be laughing anymore. All they’d been talking about was _Kyo Kyo Kyo_ and somehow looking at Shinya now, his cheeks slightly flushed, his eyes wide and curious… Did Shinya really want to kiss him? Maybe… maybe he shouldn’t be opposed. Maybe Shinya could help get his mind off Kyo after all.

Cautiously, so slowly he almost wasn’t moving at all, Die leaned across the corner of the table into Shinya’s space. He watched as Shinya’s lips parted just slightly, and then Shinya was leaning in towards him as well. It was sweet for all of two seconds before turning clumsy and desperate. Shinya was clutching at Die’s t-shirt, nearly lifting him off his chair, and Die let out a surprised moan as Shinya’s tongue licked into his mouth. Die got his hands on Shinya’s waist and then they were both standing, pressed firmly against each other, still kissing, messy and sharp and with a dizzying kind of need.

Shinya got Die backed up against the table, just over far enough that he wasn’t in danger of spilling the beers left sitting there. His hand slipped up under Die’s shirt, fingers lightly grazing a nipple before meandering back down over his abdomen. Shinya hooked his fingers in the waistband of Die’s jeans and then took a step back, searching Die’s face.

“I’ve had quite a bit to drink,” Shinya said.

“So have I,” Die said, a little breathlessly.

Neither of them made any move to break from their points of contact as they stared at each other for a minute.

“Should we stop then?” Shinya asked.

Die licked his lips and kept his eyes on Shinya. “Only if you want to.”

Shinya slid two fingers lower down into Die’s jeans, only a couple inches before coming to rest again. “No regrets when we’re sober?”

Die smiled, huffed out a little laugh. “I can’t promise that, but nothing I’d blame you for.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Shinya said, slowly rolling his hips against Die’s.

“No,” Die agreed, letting his eyes fall closed. “It doesn’t.” He moved his hands lower to grope at Shinya’s ass through his pants.

That seemed to be the cue for Shinya to stop hesitating, and he shoved Die back and down onto the table with impressive force before lifting his shirt and licking a trail from Die’s navel up to his chest. 

Die gasped and for the first time all day Kyo was totally pushed from his thoughts as Shinya closed his mouth over one of Die’s nipples. Die pushed up into Shinya’s touch only to have Shinya slam him hard back against the table. There was a tendency to forget just how strong Shinya was because he was so uncommonly gentle and appeared so frail, but Die doubted that he would forget after tonight the strength his bandmate possessed. Shinya worked back down his stomach stopping here and there to take his time sucking dark bruises into Die’s skin, making him feel somewhat lightheaded.

Finally Shinya started getting Die’s belt unbuckled and didn’t stop Die when he sat up to help. Die eyed Shinya a bit warily. He hadn’t really expected Shinya to take control like this and he couldn’t deny that it turned him on. He’d always found Shinya to be attractive, certainly, but in the moment he was so different from anything he might have imagined, and Die’s arousal was ramping up steadily. Shinya slipped a hand into Die’s jeans, groping him through his boxers, and Die exhaled sharply. Shinya was just beaming at him as he got Die’s jeans and boxers down and off, thrown to the dining room floor. Die got his shirt off while Shinya went about stripping out of his own clothes, completely shamelessly.

Die took in Shinya’s form as he was pushed back down on the table. Shinya was thin, at first glance almost breakable, but there was a definite power there, however rarely it was exerted. He climbed up on the table, straddling Die casually and grinding against him. Die tried not to think about how strange it all was, how different this was going from anything he’d thought he might do this evening, and instead let himself feel Shinya pressing against him in the most satisfying of ways, feel Shinya’s nimble fingers stroking knowingly over Die’s heated skin.

“Kiss me,” Die said, wanting to pull Shinya in and get another taste of those unbelievably plush lips, but Shinya tugged him up to meet him instead, crashing their mouths together eagerly. Die moaned into it, reached between them and got his fingers around Shinya’s cock which was almost fully hard. He worked his hand over it, and smiled against Shinya’s mouth as he felt him getting even harder against his palm. “What do you want?” he breathed.

Shinya kissed him again, and Die couldn’t help but think that Shinya kissed like he was trying to suck the life right out of him. It was ever so slightly frightening, but enticing at the same time, and Die shivered as he thought what it would be like to get that beautiful mouth on his dick. Then Shinya’s kisses were moving down his neck and Die kept up his strokes to Shinya’s cock, only to cry out a bit loudly as Shinya started sucking particularly hard at a spot just above the juncture of Die’s neck and shoulder. 

“Shin, oh _god_ ,” Die hissed. “Be careful!”

Shinya’s tongue licked apologetically over the area. “Sorry,” he whispered before moving on. “You just feel so _good_.” With that he was biting at Die’s shoulder, and Die couldn’t even be bothered to stop him from leaving a mark.

“You feel good, too,” Die said, eyes closing as he felt Shinya’s pre-cum dripping onto his fingers.

With some tricky but fast maneuvering, Shinya got them flipped around so he was under Die, his arousal pressed against Die’s ass.

“Oh,” Die said, feeling Shinya slick against him. Part of him wanted to be filled, loved that full feeling of someone _taking_ him, but it had been a while, and he wasn’t so sure about handling Shinya without any proper preparation. He rubbed against Shinya’s cock, thoroughly enjoying how it slid between his cheeks. He leaned forward, his hands on either side of Shinya’s head, and let Shinya’s cock just keep sliding and rubbing against him like that with a soft moan.

Shinya’s hands came up, holding Die’s ass tight against him. “Just stay like this?” Shinya said breathlessly, moving his hips up, pushing his cock against Die’s crack.

“Oh, fuck,” Die said, closing his eyes and letting Shinya do as he pleased. Once again he was surprised by the sheer kinkiness of it, but he couldn’t really claim to dislike it in the least. His own cock was rock hard, dragging against Shinya’s flat stomach with every movement, and he realized a series of increasingly needy whines and moans had started pouring out of his mouth.

Shinya’s head was tipped back, his hair fanned out around him, and there was something surreal about how angelic and pure he could look even in this moment. They moved together, the table creaking beneath them, every nerve in Die’s body alive with a sort of electricity crackling through it.

Shinya was still and quiet as he came; the only real signal was the feel of it, hot and sticky, running down Die’s crack.

“Wow,” Die said, a little shocked by how quickly things had transpired.

“Mmm.” Shinya lifted himself up enough to kiss Die again, though this one was softer than some of the previous kisses. “And you? What do you want?”

For a split second, Die thought he might blurt out what he _actually_ wanted: _Kyo_ —but he recovered in time to say a vague kind of, “More, more of whatever you want to give me.”

Before Die could really register what was happening he was being flipped around again, yanked to the edge of the table—though this time one of the beer bottles there did go flying. Shinya barely caught it before it shattered on the ground, and he looked at the spill without concern. “I’ll clean it up later,” he said, hauling Die in for another hard kiss, then releasing him so he could crouch in front of the table. “Relax for me… I’ve been told I’m rather good at this,” Shinya said reassuringly, with a raised eyebrow.

Die groaned lowly as Shinya’s lips closed around the head of his cock, but just as he was enjoying the sensation, a long, slender finger slid into his asshole, and he let out an uninhibited cry. He watched as Shinya sucked harder and then pressed his tongue firmly against the underside of Die’s length as he plunged down on it. His finger was moving smoothly in and out of Die’s hole, using the cum still covering Die’s ass as lube. “Oh, god, Shinya,” Die gasped. He shifted one leg up, propping his foot up on the table, and did his best to keep his hips from jerking up to meet Shinya’s mouth.

For the most part, Shinya kept his eyes closed as he worked. He added another finger and thrust them almost lazily. He wasn’t leading up to anything, wasn’t stretching Die for something bigger, he was just fingering him because it seemed like something Die would enjoy.

And Die was honestly enjoying it very much. The feeling of being so full, combined with all that Shinya’s glorious mouth was doing, was almost too much for him to stand. He was whimpering, his hips twisting, as he tried to get more of everything that was happening, and his reactions just had Shinya sucking harder, bobbing his head faster, thrusting his fingers in and out of Die’s body more roughly.

Once Shinya hit his prostate, Die knew there was no coming back down from it; he couldn’t back off from his orgasm if he tried. He cried out so loudly that Shinya’s eyes snapped open in momentary concern before he just started going after him with renewed vitality. 

Die couldn’t seem to stop moaning as he felt that _need_ expanding in him, everything tightening till it was unbearable, and then Shinya gripped his cock _tightly_  and swiped his tongue once over the tip, and everything snapped at once. Die’s whole body jerked, his leg swinging out to knock the remaining beer bottle to the floor (this one had no chance of not crashing on the hardwood), his head thrown back as he pulsed his release out into Shinya’s patient mouth. When the last tremors had made their way through his limbs, Die sagged panting against the table and hardly noticed Shinya taking his hand and planting kisses against his palm.

“I dunno who told you you were good at that,” Die said after a few minutes, his mouth rather dry, “but they were… completely right.”

Shinya ducked his head, laughing lightly. “I try,” he said. He kissed Die’s hand again. “Come clean up and get in bed, but come this way… there’s broken glass on that side.” He tugged Die gently, helping him down from the table, and led him down the hall to the sink. He offered Die a washcloth and a new toothbrush and went about getting himself ready for bed.

Die went through the motions of cleaning up without really paying any mind to what he was doing. He was all hazy from the orgasm, and as he climbed into Shinya’s bed, he found his thoughts were vague floating animal-shaped clouds somewhere in the distance above his head, and none of them really resembled Kyo from this far away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Die's drunken night with Shinya seems to have ended up better than he would have expected! I mean, except for maybe one or two details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, here's this

Die woke to an unfamiliar fall of light hitting his face, and the throbbing in his head started before his eyes were even cracked open. “Shit,” he muttered, covering his face with both hands. He lay still for a few more minutes trying to piece together some details of the previous night before he looked much at the bed he was in, which he could already tell wasn’t his. It was too soft and there was a scent all over everything that was all wrong—something flowery and vanilla, sweet, and he _knew_ it in the back of his mind but he couldn’t tell from where…

It came to him just before the soft knock at the foreign bedroom door.

_Shinya_.

“Die? I don’t know if you’re awake, but I made some breakfast…” Shinya’s voice sounded a little groggier than he usually heard it, but there was no audible regret or discomfort in it that he could make out yet.

Die carefully pushed himself to sit up in Shinya’s bed, wincing slightly as a low ache reminded him of a couple more details from last night. “I’m up,” he said a bit hoarsely. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

He listened to Shinya’s quietly retreating footsteps and sighed deeply before pulling the covers off himself and starting to look for his clothes from last night. He found them folded neatly in a pile on the dresser where Shinya had evidently retrieved them from the dining room this morning. Die got dressed, his head still pounding, grateful that he at least wasn’t nauseous.

Upon entering the dining room, seeing the table there, plain and unassuming, Die was struck with another wave of memories from last night. It was a strange feeling because he didn’t quite regret what had happened or feel guilty, but there was no real emotion attached to it either. It was Shinya, which was a bit bizarre, but it felt like it had all happened to someone else, or in a distant past, and now he was here, back in Shinya’s dining room, hungover, but not altogether miserable, and Shinya was there in slippers with a bathrobe on, serving up plates of eggs and fruit.

Shaking his head at the weirdness of it all, Die sat down at the table and smiled over at Shinya, who was still standing by the stove, scooping scrambled eggs onto a plate. He set the plate down in front of Die a moment later, alongside a tall glass of orange juice.

“Toast will be ready in a minute,” Shinya said, pushing a few strands of hair back from Die’s face. “I hope Western style is okay; I slept later than I meant to, and my rice cooker is misbehaving.”

“This is perfect,” Die said, shaking his head again. “I didn’t think you even usually ate breakfast.”

“Ah,” Shinya said. He walked back over to the counter to get his own plate. “I don’t. But you’re here, and your health is important, and here we are.” He snagged the toast just as it finished, putting it on a separate plate on his way back to the table.

Die waited for Shinya to settle in the seat across from him before saying, “Itadakimasu,” and starting in on the meal. Almost immediately he was moaning around a mouthful of eggs. Shinya raised an eyebrow and Die said, “I don’t know if it’s just ‘cause I’m hungover or what, but these are the best fucking eggs I’ve ever eaten in my life. Oh man.”

Shinya chuckled softly. “Good to know.”

Die ate like he’d been starved and went back for seconds. When he’d finished his second plate of eggs and was working on the side of fruit Shinya had provided, he leaned back in his chair, a piece of melon speared on his fork. He considered Shinya, who was quietly spreading jam on a slice of toast, and cleared his throat. “So… last night…”

Shinya smiled, had clearly just been waiting for Die to bring up the subject. “Is this that regret we mentioned?”

“No,” Die said. “I’m actually okay with things. This is not nearly as uncomfortable as I was worried it could be, and I don’t regret _you_. It was… nice.”

Shinya laughed a little behind his toast. “I don’t regret you either. I don’t actually sleep with men very often, but I might not be opposed to it happening again sometime.” It was casual, said with a shrug of his shoulders, and much as Die tried to read deeper into it, he could tell that was exactly how Shinya had meant it.

Last night had been a pleasant distraction, but Die couldn’t deny his feelings for Kyo, or that they were technically what had led to his being with Shinya in the first place. Once was fine, but making a thing of it would just feel dishonest. “Probably best if it was a one-time thing,” Die said.

Shinya shrugged, didn’t seem at all hurt by that, and Die was sort of relieved.

“Mind if I use your shower?” Die asked then, standing up to rinse his dishes in the sink.

“I would hope that you would,” Shinya said, looking him over appraisingly.

“Ouch,” Die laughed.

“Just being honest,” Shinya said. “I left a towel and washcloth on the sink in there for you.”

“Thanks,” Die said, and he went down the hall until he came to the aforementioned sink and caught sight of himself in the mirror above it. Aaaand, yeah, that was an undeniably vivid hickey. He grimaced as he ran his fingertips over his neck. It was less that it was painful and more that it _looked_ so, well, _violent_. Who’d have thought Shinya was that type?

He closed the door to the hall and stripped out of his clothes, finding a few more bitemarks on his shoulder and stomach, but nothing quite as bad as the one on his neck. At least the others would be covered by his clothing. He pulled open the door to the shower and turned on the water, letting it heat up for a minute before stepping under the stream.

His thoughts drifted briefly to Kyo while he washed. He hoped there might be some improvement in Kyo’s mood today, though it was hard to be optimistic. Die used Shinya’s soap—that was the vanilla smell that had been familiar, and the floral scent was the shampoo. It was different from what he usually used, but strangely not emasculating or anything. He finished washing, rinsed off, and came out of the shower just in time to hear Shinya knocking on the door again.

“Die, I know you just got out, but we need to get going kind of soon, just to warn you,” Shinya called before walking back down the hall without waiting for a response.

Die pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans to check the time, and found that they did indeed need to be getting on the road soon if they didn’t want to be late for the recording session they were supposed to have today. He dressed quickly, brushed his teeth with the toothbrush Shinya had given him last night, and came out from the sink to find Shinya with his jacket already on.

As Shinya passed Die his own outerwear, Die found with some relief that his scarf did a decent job hiding the bruise on his neck. As long as he left it on, probably no one would ask about it. 

The ride to the studio was passed in conversation (mostly Die babbling on about something he was hoping to finish recording today), and Die was surprised yet again by how their night together hadn’t made things awkward between them; he was actually going to get past a one-night stand with one of his bandmates without any ugly consequences!

They weren’t even late when they arrived, so they greeted Kaoru and the recording technicians, dropped their bags, and went down the hall to the vending machine.

“I don’t understand why you don’t have coffee at your place,” Die said.

“I don’t usually eat breakfast,” Shinya reminded him. “I don’t like drinking it on an empty stomach.”

Die shook his head, but said, “I guess that makes sense. I couldn’t get by for long with no coffee in my house.” He took no time in deciding which drink he wanted from the machine, just putting his coins in and hitting the button.

Shinya was far more indecisive, nodding his head side to side as he considered his options, and Die was waiting for him when he saw Kyo making his way shambling towards them. He actually looked _worse_ than he had yesterday. Whereas before he had been emotionally distant he now looked openly miserable and completely exhausted.

“Geez, Kyo,” Die said. “Rough night?”

“Didn’t get much sleep,” Kyo mumbled, leaning against the vending machine just as Shinya made his selection.

Shinya rubbed a hand comfortingly down Kyo’s arm before bending to retrieve his tea from the machine. “You need some coffee?”

Kyo shook his head, then shrugged. “Tea, maybe.” He dug the change out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment before just passing it all to Shinya to sort out.

“What kept you up?” Die asked.

“Me,” Kyo said. “Thoughts. And then when I did sleep it was just… dreams.”

“Nightmares?” Die said, frowning. He’d had his share of nightmares himself and knew they could take a greater toll on a person than one might expect.

“I guess you’d call it that.”

“Tell me?” Die said. He pulled Kyo in for another embrace, suspecting he might fight it more than he had the day before, but not knowing how else to offer comfort.

Surprisingly, aside from a small indignant sound, Kyo didn’t object to the hug, just let his head rest forward against Die’s chest again, eyes closed as he started to describe the dream. “I was trapped, in this box, glass, I guess, since I couldn’t see it, but couldn’t move past it. All these people were surrounding me, people from my life, everyone I’ve ever hurt…” He let out a short, unhappy chuckle. “I tried to call out to them but it seemed like no one could hear me. Then they started laughing. All these people, just laughing, and there was no air in the box, and I couldn’t breathe…”

Die’s frown deepened as he felt Kyo trembling just barely perceptibly in his arms. He looked at Shinya over Kyo’s head, saw his concern reflected in his face. He stroked gently over Kyo’s back in a way that he hoped didn’t cross any boundaries.

Kyo sniffed and lifted his head. “Anyway. It’s fine. I’m just tired—” He sniffed again, taking a step back from Die with a strange, almost amused look on his face. “That was weird,” he said, with a little huff of air. “For a minute, you smelled just like—” He stopped again, cut his eyes to Shinya. Kyo took another step back, his eyes narrowing a bit. He looked back at Die, up at his face, then down to his scarf, and Die couldn’t stop his hand from instinctively shooting up to cover the mark on his neck.

Die felt a bizarre urge to defend himself, though he didn’t know from what. “Kyo?” he said nervously.

“Nah,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “No way.” He looked back to Shinya now, visibly pissed. “Are you kidding me? Are you _fucking_ kidding me.” He shook his head again, let out another small, mirthless laugh. “Seriously? Nah.” He backed away a few more steps, then turned and started off down the hall at a quick pace.

“Kyo!” Die called after him, only to have Kyo flip him off over his shoulder before turning the corner.

Die stood there, stunned and utterly confused. He looked at Shinya and was surprised to find a completely unfamiliar but unmistakable expression of _guilt_ on his face.

“Shinya?” Die said. “What just happened?”

“About that regret…” Shinya said.

“Okay, but why? Did—?” The color drained from Die’s face as the thought struck him. “Shinya, are you and Kyo—Did I just help you _cheat_ on him??” he asked in horror.

Shinya shook his head quickly, finally turning to Die. “No. Certainly not.” He frowned, looking back down the hall. “That said, I am still a terrible friend, and I have made an awful mistake.”

“Wow, thanks,” Die said, unable to hold back the wince at being called a “mistake.”

Shinya was clearly pretty distracted. “This isn’t your fault. I have to try to go talk to him.”

Die caught his arm as he started walking. “Shinya, maybe you shouldn’t! He seemed legitimately pissed off. I don’t want him to… I don’t know, beat you up or something.”

Shinya looked back at him, brow wrinkled in confusion. “ _Kyo_? He won’t hurt me. Don’t you know him at all? He’s more likely to do something to hurt _himself_.”

“Are you sure I shouldn’t go with you?” Die asked.

“That would absolutely be worse.” Shinya met Die’s eyes and said confidently, “Kyo won’t hurt me. No matter how much I might deserve it.” He shook Die off and hurried down the hall, tossing the remnants of his tea into a nearby garbage bin as he went.

Die still felt lost. Why would Kyo be so angry about him and Shinya together? Was he worried it might upset the dynamic of the band? But then it would be on both of them, not just Shinya’s mistake. Was Kyo just worried about losing his friend and confidant to Die? Because then it should be easy to explain they weren’t starting anything serious.

But the way Shinya had been so _sure_ it wasn’t Die’s fault, that _he_ had been a terrible friend, led Die back to the possibility his mind had been dancing around since he first saw that strange combination of disbelief and _pain_ in Kyo’s eyes. He hit his pocket only to realize he’d left his phone in his jacket back in the recording space. Finishing his coffee off quickly, he chucked the can in the bin as he half-ran back down the hall, only to run into Toshiya as he was exiting the room.

“Die! What’s going on?” Toshiya said, steadying him with a hand on his shoulder. “Kyo came in and grabbed his stuff, said he was taking off for the day. Kaoru wants to be mad, but I think he’s too confused. Did something happen, did you see?”

Die floundered for a moment. “Something did kind of happen, but I’m not sure exactly what,” he said lamely. “Did you see Shinya?”

“No,” Toshiya said, following Die back into the room he’d just come out of. “Did he leave too?!”

Die saw that Shinya’s belongings were still there beside his own, and supposed he was planning on coming back. He dug out his phone from his jacket pocket just as Kaoru came striding over from the control room. 

He stood in front of him with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “You want to tell me why my band is going running out of the building when we’re scheduled to record?”

“It’s Shinya’s fault.”

Toshiya raised an eyebrow. “You could at least try to make your excuse sound plausible.”

“I don’t totally know, and I have to make a phone call, but I swear I’ll be back,” Die said. He was already calling Shinya as he pushed out into the hallway again.

Shinya didn’t answer at first, but picked up just before Die would have thought it would go to voicemail. “Hello?”

“Did you catch him?” Die asked.

“No,” Shinya said, and Die could hear his irritated little sigh across the line. “He moves fast; I couldn’t even see which direction he went.”

“He’d go somewhere quiet,” Die suggested.

“Don’t even try to make like you know him better than I do,” Shinya said. “I already have my suspicions as to where he’s gone.”

“You’re right, you know things I don’t know,” Die said. He paused, wetting his lips before he just getting right to the point. “The reason he’s so upset… It’s—it’s me, isn’t it?”

Die could hear the sounds of a train platform in the background before Shinya finally said, “Kyo does occasionally confide in me, as I told you… One of the things he mentioned, a while ago now, was that… he has feelings for you, yes.” He sighed again. “He’s in love with you, Die. And I’m supposed to be his best friend, and I…”

“And you fucked me,” Die said.

“Well. Yes.”

“Wow, you weren't lying: you did make an awful mistake.”

“I can only hope he’ll be forgiving,” Shinya said sadly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought that would be a betrayal of his confidence.”

“Right, and getting your fingers up my ass wasn’t nearly as much of a betrayal,” Die said sharply.

“Why are you being so crude about it? If I recall correctly, you were a willing participant last night!”

“Yeah, because I didn’t _know_!”

“It would have changed things that much?”

“It really would have.” Die tried to wrap his mind around it, but it still wasn’t really sinking in. “Kyo is in _love_ with me? Are you sure? How long have you known?”

“A year?” Shinya said. The background noise told Die he had boarded a train now and he was trying to speak more softly and discreetly. “Maybe closer to two years. I didn’t realize it was still such a sensitive issue for him.”

“Two _years_? Jesus,” Die said, rubbing a hand over his face. Almost as long as it had been since _he’d_ first fallen for _Kyo._ “Why didn’t _he_ tell me if it’s been that long?”

“It’s like what I told you last night,” Shinya said. “Even if he thought he stood a chance—which I’m sure he didn’t, given I only found out for certain that you were interested in men last night, and even that obviously doesn’t mean you’d return his feelings—he somehow thinks he doesn’t deserve it, so he won’t even put it out there.”

“But I do!” Die said, and covered his mouth, surprised by what had escaped it.

Shinya paused. “You do… put it out there?”

Die squeezed his eyes shut. “No, I, ah… I… return his feelings.”

Shinya paused again, his voice lowering even more. “Die. You love Kyo?”

“I, um. Yeah. I do,” Die said uncomfortably. “I have, for some time. Why do you think I was so worried about him and wanting to help??”

“I guess I thought you were just being nice. Well,” Shinya said. “Shit.”

Die snorted at that. “Yeah. So…”

“I still need to talk to him, and just… beg forgiveness,” Shinya said. “But you should probably talk to him too. I’ll text you when I’m done, let you know where he is.”

“Should I give him some warning? Call ahead?”

“What are you going to say if you do?”

“Yeah, I have no idea.”

“Then just go see him,” Shinya said. “Wish me luck.” He ended the call before Die could say anything else, leaving him standing in the hallway, unsure of what to do next.

After a minute, Die went back into the recording space. He ignored Toshiya and Kaoru’s expectant, questioning looks, and went about getting ready to record, trying desperately to stay focused on atask that he understood to keep his mind from drifting to everything he didn’t.

The recording session was slow-going. Die found himself fumbling, making mistakes he wouldn’t usually, ruining take after take. Kaoru was obviously concerned, but showed it by giving Die long looks as if willing him to open up about his problems, rather than by asking him what was bothering him outright. It was not terribly effective, and Die gradually let his thoughts wander more and more.

He ran through possible scenarios for what he would say to Kyo, playing about fifty-three different outcomes, then going back over everything he could say and imagining different intonations or emphases he could use. He always got stuck at the end of the scene; after he confessed his love for Kyo and Kyo leapt into his arms, trying not to weep with joy—what exactly did Die want to happen?

He wanted Kyo to love him, to trust him, to rely on him, to be with him—But was that too much to ask? Kyo wouldn’t just open up and let down all his carefully constructed walls just like that simply because Die offered him affection. In fact, if what Shinya said was right, offers of affection might just get Die pushed further away.

Die didn’t honestly know how, by the end of the day, he’d managed to get anything worthwhile recorded with how distracted he’d been, but at least he nailed a couple things. He was just thinking what he’d like the conversation with Kyo to end on was a _kiss_ , plain and simple, when the text from Shinya finally came.

It had been several hours since they’d talked on the phone, but Die had been waiting so eagerly that it took him barely a second to get the screen unlocked and the messaging app open.

All it said was _He’s at home_ , followed by an address, since, Die realized, he’d never been to Kyo’s home before.

Die was quick to start gathering up his things and putting away his equipment, shortly letting Kaoru know he was heading out, and then scrambling for the door. Only when he was outside did he realize he didn’t have his car with him, and he hailed a cab, reading off the address from Shinya’s text, and closing his eyes as he was carried to Kyo’s apartment complex.

He ran through his script a few more times during the drive, and then the taxi was pulling up outside an unassuming building and he paid before getting out and walking up to the entrance. He went quickly up to Kyo’s floor, still going over and over the tone in which he would say everything he had planned. He took a deep breath as he got to Kyo’s door and then knocked sharply before he could wuss out.

It didn’t take long for Kyo to answer, looking only mildly surprised to see him.

Die was ready to start his scene, but was stuck waiting for Kyo to invite him inside—which he didn’t do.

Instead Kyo nudged the door open with his shoulder and then leaned against the jamb in a way that Die found entirely too attractive. “Hello, Die.”

“Kyo,” Die began, “I had to talk to you. About this morning—”

“Shinya already explained the whole thing,” Kyo said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He did?”

“Yeah,” Kyo said with a sniff. “You guys were drunk, Shinya takes full responsibility, yadda yadda. Look, I’m assuming he told you my part of it, why I reacted the way I did.” He shifted a little, glancing down at the floor. “I apologize for making a scene. You obviously both have the right to get involved with whomever you want.”

“Right,” Die said, slightly confused by how he’d already gotten off track so much. “Listen—”

“It’s nice anyway that you wanted to come apologize too,” Kyo admitted. “But it’s not necessary.” He looked Die up and down, then, “Or there was something else you came to talk about?”

“Yeah, actually,” Die said, but Kyo held up his hands, stopping him from continuing.

“That’s fine. Come back and talk to me anytime you’re not covered in hickeys,” Kyo said, and with that, much to Die’s shock, he closed the door right in his face.

For the third time that day Die was left feeling hopelessly lost in an empty hallway.

That conversation hadn’t gone at all how he’d envisioned it. Where were the love confessions? Where was the kissing?? Of course he couldn’t fault Kyo for saying what he had, and it was probably best if he didn’t try to make all these serious admissions to Kyo while he still had evidence of his night with Shinya all over him. It was wrong to rush into things.

Die returned home feeling very regretful indeed. He'd just sat down on the couch when he got a phone call from Shinya, and he jumped in surprise even though he’d been expecting it. He briefly considered just letting it go to voicemail, but knew that would only cause worry.

“I didn’t get to talk to him,” Die said at once when he answered, forgoing any greeting.

“Why not?” Shinya asked. “Kaoru and Toshiya said you left early, right after I texted you.”

“Right, I went and saw him, I just didn’t get to talk,” Die explained.

“He… refused to talk to you?”

“Not exactly. We _talked,_ just he didn’t give me a chance to say anything about… anything.” Die lay back on the couch looking up at the ceiling.

“Why not?” Shinya said again.

“Well, he said I could talk to him later. Without the hickeys.”

“Oh.”

“Which is fair,” Die said.

“It is,” Shinya agreed. “I’m really sorry. About those, about everything. I don’t usually let myself get so carried away.”

“I know,” Die said, still staring at the ceiling of his living room. “I’m not really as angry with you as I could be.”

“Thanks, that’s a great comfort.” There was a pause before Shinya said, “It might take some time.”

“For the hickeys to fade? Yeah, I know, some of them are pretty gnarly.”

Die could almost hear the eye roll through the phone. “Kyo. Trusting you, hearing you out. Are you going to give up on him?”

“What do you mean?” Die asked.

“Hypocritical as it may sound after what I did last night, I don’t want Kyo to get hurt,” Shinya said. “So if you’re going to act interested only to drop him as soon as it starts getting difficult…”

“I’m not,” Die said quickly. “I know it won’t always be easy; I’ve known Kyo a while, Shin.”

“Knowing him isn’t the same as knowing him intimately,” Shinya said. “It’s fine to say you’re prepared to deal with his emotional crises, but he may come to rely on you, and it will hurt him more if you push him away once he’s let you in. He’s not… fragile. But he deserves to be happy. Please take care of him, if that’s what you’re going to choose to do.”

Die nodded before he realized Shinya couldn’t see him, and then said, “I understand.” It was clear to Die that Shinya did care about Kyo very deeply, and it must have been destroying him knowing he’d hurt him like that.

“Keep me updated, I suppose,” Shinya said.

“I will. Goodnight, Shinya.”

“Goodnight.”

Die hung up, but stayed lying on his couch with his eyes on the ceiling until he couldn’t be sure whether he was seeing it awake or in his dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly confused and surprised that y'all got kind of into this fic. At first it wasn't getting, like, any hits and I was like ugh it's because it's terrible! But I've really appreciated all your comments and everything, so thanks for that.   
> This is the end of it, and I hope you guys enjoy! Thanks for reading!

Shinya was right about it taking some time. It was nearly a week until Kyo would even _look_ fully at Die. His mood was still low, but for once Die wasn’t spending his free time trying to figure out why. Toshiya on the other hand asked Die most every day if he was ready to tell him what was going on yet.

“Seriously, what did you do?” 

“Nothing,” Die said, for what felt like the hundredth time. “Or… not exactly nothing, but it’s complicated and it’s none of your business.”

“Yeah, it obviously wasn’t nothing,” Toshiya said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kyo act this way towards you. I mean, lots of other people, yeah, but you guys don’t fight usually.”

“We’re not _fighting_ now,” Die said hotly. It was getting hard to get work done with Toshiya hovering around him looking for gossip. “We just have some stuff we need to talk about and we haven’t really gotten to do that.”

“And this is still the thing you’re trying to claim is Shinya’s fault,” Toshiya said.

“It is!” Die said. “I mean, at least partly. He had information that I didn’t have, and if I had had that information, none of this would have happened.”

Toshiya stared at him. “Okay, you’re being really cryptic and weird about this, just so you know.”

“I’m not trying to be,” Die said. “But I’m also not… really trying to talk to you about it.” He looked across the room to where Kyo was working on something with his headphones on, his pencil tapping idly on the table in front of him. “I’m _trying_ to talk to Kyo.”

“And he won’t talk to you?” Toshiya said. “I know that you said you’re not fighting, but that’s weird. Kyo is usually kind of awesome about listening, at least when I have stuff going on. Did you ask why?”

“I _know_ why,” Die said, some of his frustration leaking out into his voice. He took a breath to calm himself. “I’m not mad at you, Toshiya. I’m sorry if I’m being kind of an ass about this; it’s just been going on, and it’s occupying a lot of my headspace, and I want things to be okay between us again.” He hated the idea that things had been better when he hadn’t known what was bothering Kyo, when Kyo had been miserable but Die could still be there for him. He felt like he’d been emotionally benched without even a chance to state his case, and he had to live with the knowledge that if he’d just been a little more responsible, things could have worked out differently.

Toshiya was giving him a strangely sad look now and he hesitated before saying, “Die… Don’t take this the wrong way or something, but you seem kind of… heartbroken.”

Die huffed out a short laugh.

“There’s more going on, right?” Toshiya said. “Like, it’s not my business because something happened that’s personal, but it’s a big deal?”

Die ran his tongue nervously over his lips. “It depends on your perspective. To me, it’s kind of big, yeah.”

“Well, I’m here for you,” Toshiya said. He put a hand on Die’s shoulder. “For both of you, but Kyo opens up to me even less than you do. I don’t know how Shinya works into all this, but I’m here for him too. Just remember how happy you guys make each other.” He shrugged. “It’s not like it’s something we haven’t all noticed.”

“Thanks,” Die said. “Hopefully we can get back to that point.”

While it was nice to know that he had Toshiya’s support, it didn’t really change the fact that there was nothing for Die to do but wait it out; to try, like Shinya, to be available when Kyo was ready to let him in.

Shinya was checking in with Die regularly enough that Die could be pretty sure it was out of guilt. But they were kind of in the same boat as far as being (deservedly) on the receiving end of Kyo’s quiet style of wrath, if you could call it that.

“He still hasn’t talked to you?” Shinya asked one day when they found themselves together on the elevator.

“I’m trying to be patient,” Die said. “Baby steps. At least he’ll make eye contact with me now.”

Shinya nodded. “He wouldn’t look at me for a while either… Now I almost _wish_ he wouldn’t, because then I wouldn’t have to see that sadness and… distrust in his eyes every time.”

Die looked sympathetically at Shinya. There wasn’t anything he could really say; it was true that Shinya had been in the wrong, but it was awful to think this could be something that damaged their close friendship forever.

“I earned that distrust,” Shinya said quickly. “I know that. I deserve it.”

“He won’t punish you forever,” Die said, hoping it sounded reassuring. They reached the ground floor and made their way out of the elevator together. “On the bright side, at least we know why he’s feeling sad for once, right?”

“You know…” Shinya paused, looking thoughtful. He stopped walking and Die turned to look at him, raising his eyebrows as he waited for him to go on. “You know, there’s not always a reason, right? It isn’t always as tidy as that, a puzzle you can solve and put the pieces of him back together once you figure it out. Loving him won’t mean getting all the answers and he’s just never sad anymore.”

“I know that,” Die said. “I’m not trying to change him.”

“But you always want to know the _why_ ,” Shinya said, “and there _isn’t_ always one. I just… want to remind you of that. And that even when he does listen to everything you have to say, that doesn’t mean he’ll suddenly be easy to understand.”

Die felt a pang of deep sadness that accompanied the thought of what a _good friend_ Shinya was to Kyo. Kyo had said he understood what had happened and maybe he did, maybe he could be forgiving. Die almost wondered if he wanted Kyo to forgive Shinya more than he wanted to be forgiven himself. “I know,” he said again. He looked seriously at Shinya, tried to impress upon him with his eyes that he understood what he was saying and accepted it. But it still didn’t change a thing about how he felt about Kyo. When Shinya started walking again, Die moved with him, holding the door for him to walk out of the building. “Anyway, I appreciate your optimism.”

“Hm?”

“‘ _When_ he does listen to everything I have to say’… Feels a lot more like an _if_ right now,” Die said.

“You just have to wait for him to be ready. He will be,” Shinya said. And when he said it he sounded so much more sure than he did when he said things about himself that Die couldn’t do anything but accept it as fact.

 

It finally happened weeks after the initial incident. Die asked, as he usually did when they were leaving the studio, if Kyo would be willing to hear him out yet. 

To his surprise, this time, Kyo tilted his head as he considered it, then said, “Fine. You know where I live.”

It was so unexpected that it took Die a minute to register it, and another before he actually spurred his body into motion enough to finish gathering his things and _go_ to Kyo’s apartment. He had his car with him, so he offered to just drive Kyo home, and when Kyo accepted, Die thought his heart might split open out of sheer relief.

There was a slightly uneasy silence once they were in Die’s car. This was absolutely not the location for Die to start his speeches, and he was concentrating so hard on remembering everything he’d wanted to include when he finally got to talk to Kyo that it was hard for him to make much else in the way of conversation. Kyo wasn’t being real talkative either, but Die could feel his eyes on him, watching him curiously nearly the whole drive.

When they were approaching his building, Kyo finally spoke up to direct Die towards where he could park, only to fall silent again afterwards. Apparently he was leaving the ball in Die’s court, as he was the one who had been so insistent on them talking anyway. He remained quiet as they parked, and Die followed him up to his apartment, waiting on him to unlock the door. Kyo shot him one last considering look before pushing the door open and gesturing Die into his home.

They left their shoes in the genkan and Die waited again to follow Kyo up into the living room. Kyo went straight to the couch, plunking himself down at one end and looking at Die expectantly.

Die felt like he was supposed to start performing or something, and he was so put on the spot that he forgot all his carefully rehearsed words. He set his messenger bag down on the floor leaning against the end table and then took his time removing his leather jacket, laying it over the arm of the couch. 

Kyo just continued to watch him, shifting slightly in his seat, pulling his legs up onto the cushions. “Die, are you going to start talking? You’ve acted like you had something you wanted to discuss with me for a while now, but here we are, and no discussing is happening,” he said with a raised eyebrow.

“I know,” Die said. “I’m just gathering my thoughts. Okay. Okay.”

“Okay.”

“So,” Die said. “Shinya told me that… you—” He cleared his throat and went on, “Well, he said you’re in love with me.”

“Right,” Kyo said. His casual play of it was almost perfectly convincing, but the slight pink tinge appearing on his cheeks gave away just how much he had been hoping this wasn’t going to be what Die wanted to discuss.

“I didn’t know that,” Die said.

“Yeah, that was no accident.”

“I mean, I didn’t know when Shinya and I slept together,” Die said, his own cheeks flushing considerably. “I never would have, if I’d known.”

Kyo frowned at that. “Why not? We’re all grown men, Die. You’re not required to coddle me just because I’m… overly sensitive.”

“I don’t think you’re overly sensitive,” Die said, shaking his head. “I think it was a very real betrayal and you were—or even _are_ —entitled to your anger over it.” He wet his lips before saying, “I wish you had told me.”

Kyo looked faintly disgusted. “ _Why_?”

“Because it would have made it so much easier for me to say I love you, too,” Die blurted out. “For some reason it’s really hard to say; it’s _been_ hard to say for _years_ , and I never thought there was any point in telling you, and I wish I had _known_.”

Kyo was suddenly on his feet, stopped halfway between Die and the couch. “Are you—is this a joke?”

“God, no,” Die said. “Kyo, you… You’re _good_. You’re so beautiful and so strong, and I love you, and every time you hurt I just want to tell you how much you deserve good things, and how I want to give them to you.” He stepped forward, taking a chance and cupping Kyo’s face. “I want to give you everything. I want to be here with you through all your pain, and I want to be the cause of some of your joy.”

Kyo snorted and shook his head. “Like you aren’t already.” In spite of his deflective humor, he didn’t stop himself from nuzzling against Die’s palm, his eyes closing.

“Will you let me do the rest? Support you through bad days, give you some of the good you deserve?”

Kyo looked somewhat pained as he met Die’s eyes again. “I’ll try?”

Die smiled. “I can’t ask for more than that.” He leaned in slowly, ensuring the kiss wouldn’t come as a surprise to Kyo, letting out a pleased noise when Kyo met him halfway and pulled Die’s lower lip between his teeth for a moment before kissing him back properly.

Die wasn’t expecting to get such a good reaction from Kyo, but then he was being guided back until his shoulder-blades hit the wall, and Kyo’s hands were on his hips and it was so much better than he could have imagined, the warmth of those hands fitting his body better than anything ever had.

“Is this really okay?” Die breathed, ghosting his fingertips down Kyo’s cheek and over his neck.

“It’s much better than okay, as far as I’m concerned,” Kyo said, huffing out an almost embarrassed little laugh. He squeezed Die’s hips briefly, causing Die to move them involuntarily against him.

“Shit,” Die said, pulling back enough to take in Kyo’s smile. “You’re gorgeous.”

Kyo bit his lip, leaned into Die a little more. “Don’t.”

“Don’t tell you how beautiful you are? I’m not sure I can help it,” Die said, and he felt Kyo give a little shiver against him. “You don’t like me to say it?”

Kyo buried his face against Die’s chest, muffling his voice as he said, “I _do_.”

Die was smirking now. “Yeah? Should I keep talking then?” He rolled his hips intentionally this time. “Tell you how _good_ you feel all pressed up against me like this?”

“Die, what—”

“If I’m moving too fast, you just need to tell me and I’ll stop, but right now I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than spend the whole night… appreciating you,” Die said, hands hovering on Kyo’s back.

And rather than saying anything more, Kyo was suddenly kissing him again. It quickly became apparent that Kyo seriously just loved kissing, or at least loved kissing _Die,_ and without meaning to, Die found himself comparing the kiss to Shinya’s. If Shinya kissed like he was trying to suck the life out of him, Kyo kissed like he was giving it back. Or, more like there was no need to give or take at all because they were already a part of each other. The kiss was merely a swirling rotation of energy, an in-depth exploration; Die would never be able to _steal_ a kiss from Kyo because every kiss was already his, just waiting to be claimed.

How had he waited so long for this, for even the slimmest and slightest _chance_ of it? It felt impossible that there could ever have been a time when he didn’t have it, and yet he was just cursing himself for not making his feelings for Kyo known earlier— _years_ earlier, so he could have enjoyed these kisses all that time. Kyo’s lips were perfect against his—Kyo’s _everything_ was perfect against his, and there was such incredible _freedom_ in the way that Kyo let himself open up to him, without _giving_ up. 

Every slow press of Kyo’s lips and easy glide of his tongue had Die melting against him. Kyo had one hand cradling along Die’s jaw, beneath his ear, the other hand pushed back into his hair, and Die reveled in how sweetly and securely he was being _held_. Kyo’s hands were so soft, much softer than Die’s own, which were broader and more callused, and he loved how they felt, how Kyo touched him with certainty but not aggression. He almost felt precious when Kyo was holding him like that, and although he had been thinking he wanted more, he had to admit he would be perfectly content to just keep kissing Kyo like this all night if that was what he wanted.

And it sure _seemed_ like that was what Kyo wanted to do.The kisses showed no signs of stopping, though they were gradually increasing in speed and intensity, and finally when he wasn’t even pausing to breathe anymore, Die started to feel a little bit overwhelmed and pushed Kyo back as gently as he was able.

Kyo tried to chase his mouth, letting out a small pitiful sound when Die held him back by his shoulders. “Don’t go,” he whispered.

Die frowned as he saw the fear and worry in Kyo’s eyes, like he thought Die might evaporate into thin air if he stopped kissing him. “Hey,” he said, tilting Kyo’s chin up towards him. He let one corner of his mouth curve up as he said, “I’m right here. And I assure you, I’m not going anywhere.”

Kyo didn’t look like he really believed that, even as he swallowed and nodded his head.

“Let me show you,” Die said. Kyo had made Die feel precious with his kisses, had distracted him from how much he really wanted to be the one reminding _Kyo_ how precious _he_ was. He pulled Kyo in again, nipped at his lower lip, and got them turned around so now Kyo had his back against the wall. He sucked at Kyo’s lip for another few seconds before kissing him once more, enjoying the slightest of sighs that escaped Kyo as he backed up, and then Die was dropping to his knees, his eyes still on Kyo’s face. His hands went for Kyo’s belt, quickly working it open.

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo said, but it came out almost a plea, and then he was whining and shaking his head frantically, and Die’s hands stilled at once.

“You don’t want me to,” Die said, raising his eyebrows in question.

Kyo tipped his head back against the wall with a frustrated growl. “I—I _want_ _everything_ from you, Die, but I… It’s not.” He clenched his eyes shut and exhaled through his nose. “Die, you are so incredible in so many ways, so gorgeous and talented and fucking likable, and I… I can’t _be_ … I don’t—”

“Okay, I’m stopping you there,” Die interrupted. “If you’re going to start spouting some bullshit about how you ‘don’t deserve’ me I don’t even want to hear it.”

Kyo looked down at him in surprise.

“I’m _here_ , Kyo. Look at me. Look where I am right now,” Die said, looking pointedly down at himself and then back up to Kyo. “What do you think this is, I’m here out of pity? I told you, and I don’t even mind repeating myself at this point, I _love_ you. You are what I have wanted for years, and I’m not interested in excuses and insecurities your mind has cooked up for why you shouldn’t be. You’re stuck with me.”

Kyo’s hips twisted uneasily before he nodded again, threading his fingers lightly through Die’s hair.

Die accepted that as progress and an indication that he was cleared to carry on undoing Kyo’s pants, and he did so, barely keeping himself together with the buzzing excitement of having Kyo’s cock revealed to him any second now, feeling his warmth through his clothing, brushing his fingertips. He wanted to moan already at the mere thought of getting Kyo into his mouth, tasting him, of Kyo being aroused, being _hard_ , because of Die. It was a fantasy he’d been having too long for him to keep his hands from shaking at least a little bit as he dragged Kyo’s zipper down and then tugged his pants and boxer briefs down his legs until he could step out of them.

And maybe Die had worked it up too much in his mind, maybe he’d thought about finally having Kyo like this so many times that the real event could never live up to it—but somehow there was nothing remotely disappointing in the reveal. Kyo was there before him, his cock half-hard and, if possible, more perfect than Die could have imagined it, his thighs muscular and warm under Die’s hands. Kyo’s hand was still tangled loosely in Die’s hair, keeping it back from his face, and he was looking down at him, still clearly nervous, but so willing, so _trusting_ that Die almost struggled to keep his emotions over it at bay.

He couldn’t stop himself from whispering out, “You’re perfect.” Then he was leaning in, sweeping his tongue around the head of Kyo’s cock once and moving to place soft, open mouth kisses along his shaft.

Die heard Kyo’s breath catch but other than that he seemed to be making a concentrated effort to stay quiet. A quick glance upwards showed that Kyo had his eyes closed, his lips pressed firmly together, as if he was trying to hold everything inside, keep himself from being too much. 

Die ran his thumb over Kyo’s hip bone as he dragged his tongue back up the underside of Kyo’s cock, pausing to suck a little at a spot beneath the head. Still, the only sound that escaped Kyo was a near inaudible grunt, and Die couldn’t deny that he found this to be slightly disappointing. He wanted to please Kyo, to _pleasure_ him, and he wanted Kyo to actually be able to enjoy everything he did. It was obvious he couldn’t fully enjoy anything if he continued to hold himself back this much. Die wrapped his lips tightly around Kyo’s length, sucking hard for a few seconds, and then pulled off, bringing one hand up to grasp and stroke while he sat back on his heels and considered Kyo.

Frowning, Die found himself thinking about Shinya once again. This time he was thinking about Shinya’s warning, that it would take time for Kyo to open up to Die. Even as he was bared before him, trusting him with his dick in his mouth, he was still struggling to let his walls down enough to be truly vulnerable. Die only took another moment to decide that he didn’t mind waiting. He had no issue with respecting Kyo’s need to take time to break down those walls, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t do his best to help chip away at them. 

“You feel so good in my hand,” Die said, and Kyo’s eyes fluttered open, turned down to look at him. “I’ve been dreaming about your cock for years without ever really daring to think I’d get to taste you, and god, you… feel amazing.” He watched a drop of pre-cum bead at Kyo’s slit and licked his lips. “I need to taste you more.” With that he dove back in, taking Kyo into his mouth greedily, moaning at the salt of his pre-cum hitting his tongue. His hand stayed wrapped around Kyo’s shaft, sliding up and down, twisting here and there just enough to keep Kyo from relaxing into the touch.

It wasn’t until Die’s other hand dropped down to cup Kyo’s sac that he got his first real moan out of Kyo, but it was nothing if not gratifying, something low and spinning from Kyo’s chest, followed by a breathy utterance of Die’s name. Yeah, Die thought he could definitely get used to that.

He wanted more though, and he pulled back, stroking Kyo faster while he took a minute to suck two fingers of his other hand into his mouth rather wetly.

Kyo still had a hand in Die’s hair and tugged a little, his expression nervous again and maybe confused as his hips jerked forward towards Die’s working hand. He opened his mouth like he might ask what Die was planning, but before he got the chance, Die’s hand was slipping back behind his balls, fingers teasing over the smooth flesh there before reaching _farther,_ coming to play around Kyo’s tight hole. “ _Die_!”

Die engulfed Kyo’s cock once more, let his saliva-slick fingers rub around Kyo’s entrance a while longer before pushing one digit into Kyo’s body.

Kyo gasped loudly, clutching at Die’s shoulder with his free hand. “Wh-wha-at are you—AH!” He didn’t seem to be able to close his mouth now, gasping and panting as he fought to stay upright. 

Any concern Die might have had that this wasn’t something Kyo wanted dispersed as Kyo, perhaps unconsciously, widened his stance, opened himself up more. Die took it as an invitation and started slowly thrusting his finger in and out, keeping a similar pace as he bobbed his head over Kyo’s dick. Some careful application of his tongue had Kyo _whining_ and god if that wasn’t a sound that would haunt his dreams.

“Ohh. Oh, god, _Die_ , god _dammit_ ,” Kyo said, his head slamming back against the wall as his hand tightened in Die’s hair. “I’m—fuck, you feel so fucking good, shit—Nng, Die, I can’t—”

Die could feel Kyo tensing, knew how close he was even without his half-formed warnings. He pulled off and put his attention on jerking Kyo off hard and fast while the finger inside Kyo crooked, pressing along Kyo’s inner walls in search of that bundle of nerves that Die hoped would get him screaming. He tried not to think of the fact that he may have been inspired to do this by his night with Shinya—or maybe he should just thank Shinya next time he saw him.

All at once, Die found just what he was looking for, and Kyo let out the most beautiful cry, something both similar and altogether different from the sounds he made in performance. Die kept stroking Kyo’s cock as he leaned forward and opened his mouth wide just in time for Kyo’s cum to hit his tongue. 

Once Die had pulled out and milked the last drops from him, Kyo whimpered softly and slouched, letting himself slide down the wall until he was sitting on his haunches, his head tipped back as he came down from his orgasm.

Die watched him with some amount of awe, never having considered the possibility of getting to see Kyo in this kind of intimate moment of afterglow. “Beautiful,” he murmured without really meaning to, and Kyo lifted his head to look at him.

“Don’t go stealin’ my words,” Kyo said with a small smile.

“I think some words are public domain,” Die said.

Kyo reached out a hand, drifted it lazily down Die’s chest. He glanced down and then back up to Die’s face. “You’re hard?”

Die could have laughed. How could he be anything but painfully hard after what just happened? Sure, he supposed maybe some people didn’t get off on giving blow jobs, but when it was Kyo, and all the ways he was moving, the sounds he was making? He raised his eyebrows. “What gave it away?”

Kyo licked his lips, dragged his teeth over the bottom one, and asked, “Did you want some help with that?”

Die grabbed a fistful of Kyo’s shirt and yanked him in close enough to kiss hard, teeth and hunger and none of the patience and sweetness from earlier. Kyo moaned into his mouth and Die thought he could almost taste the sound. He pulled back, looking into Kyo’s eyes (god, they were always so intense) as he said, “I want you. I want to take you.”

Kyo nodded slightly. “Lube’s in my sock drawer.”

“Stay here,” Die said, and pushed himself to his feet. He was back in some dreamlike state as he wandered down the hall looking for Kyo’s bedroom. When he found it he let out a quiet breath, unable to move for a moment as he looked around at it all. He wanted to study it, wanted to take in the details of every item and its position in Kyo’s private living space so that he could retain the information and turn it into some deeper understanding of Kyo himself. He thought about getting Kyo to come in here so he could ask him about the books overflowing from the little shelf under the window, or about the single wrinkled shirt hanging on a hanger on the closet door, or about the stack of sketchbooks and loose papers piled on the dresser; it was all mundane and human and Die wanted to know all of it. However, the thought of going and fetching Kyo only reminded him that Kyo was currently half-naked in the other room waiting for Die to come and fuck him, and Die’s cock gave its own enthusiastic vote for getting on with finding the lube so he could get back to Kyo.

Upon crossing to the dresser, he got the sock drawer open and smiled to himself as he rooted through the variety of colors and patterns until he found the lube towards the back of the drawer, along with some condoms, and a few toys that he couldn’t spend the time thinking about. He snagged one of the condoms and took the bottle of lube back down the hall with him.

When he got back to the living room, Kyo was right where he’d left him—only he was fully naked and now had two fingers buried in his ass.

“Oh, holy fuck,” Die said under his breath.

Kyo looked up at him, his eyes dark and burning, and raised an eyebrow. “Problem?”

“No! No, definitely not,” Die said, shaking his head quickly. He couldn’t stop staring even as he passed the lube to Kyo, and after another several seconds he got his brain engaged enough to start stripping out of his own clothing.

Kyo used the lube to get a third finger inside himself and moaned before handing the bottle back to Die. “I’ve thought—about this, you know,” he said. “Not this part—or actually, that too—you _watching_ me, god—but I meant, after.”

Die was baffled by how he could simultaneously think Kyo was adorable and more erotic than anything he’d ever seen in his life. He smiled. “I have, too. Probably more than I want to admit, even to myself.” He kicked all his clothes into a pile off to the side and tore his eyes away from Kyo long enough to get the condom on and then poured some lubricant over his cock, giving it a few strokes. He looked back at Kyo to see him pulling his fingers out and wiping them on his cast-aside shirt as he got to his feet.

“I want to kiss you again,” Kyo said, though he stayed leaning against the wall rather than making any move towards Die.

Die could find nothing wrong with this, and stepped forward, boxing Kyo in against the wall as he leaned down to kiss him. He tried to keep it slow, to pour his affection into it, to use it to communicate to Kyo just how much being able to kiss him like this meant to him. “I could seriously spend all night just kissing you,” Die said as he ended the kiss.

“I would be fine with that,” Kyo said and nipped Die’s bottom lip. “But then, I _am_ already prepped…”

Die couldn’t help the small groan that came out of him. “That is a very good point.”

“I could make a joke there, but I’m not gonna,” Kyo said with a grin.

Die made a face. “I’m pretty sure saying that is as bad as making the joke.”

“But I don’t have to take responsibility for what your mind came up with,” Kyo said.

“Oh believe me, I’m still blaming you for it.” Die kissed him again, harder this time. He pushed his tongue into Kyo’s mouth, and had the thought that he wanted to lick Kyo all over, to taste every innocuous inch of him; shoulder blades and thighs and up and down his beautiful tattooed arms… His cock throbbed as if reminding him to stay focused, and he gripped Kyo’s biceps, squeezing once before pulling back and flipping Kyo around, pressing him chest-first up against the wall.

Kyo let out a soft little sound at being so manhandled. He adjusted his stance, bracing his hands on the wall and presenting his ass towards Die. “This is how you want me?”

“I want you in every imaginable way,” Die said. He stroked his hands down Kyo’s magnificent back. “But this is how we are in this moment, and you look… amazing like this. So as long as you’re comfortable—”

“God, you talk way too much,” Kyo said, pushing back towards Die impatiently, up on his tiptoes. “Are you going to fuck me or not?”

“Don’t even pretend like you don’t love me talking,” Die said, but he obliged and lined his cock up at Kyo’s entrance. He paused again and Kyo looked back over his shoulder at him. Maybe it was strange, but Die found himself just smiling, something fluttering happily in his chest with the knowledge that he got to see Kyo’s face like this, that he got to be the one to bring Kyo pleasure. “I love you,” Die said, because it was true.

Kyo’s eyes narrowed before he hid his own smile against his shoulder and muttered out a quiet, “I love you too.”

With that, Die pushed slowly, and incredibly satisfyingly, into Kyo’s body, smile still tugging at one corner of his mouth.

“ _Yes_ , ohh fuck,” Kyo hissed. His head dropped forward and Die might have lamented that he couldn’t see his face anymore if he had had room for anything else in his mind other than the tight, hot feeling of Kyo surrounding him.

Die couldn’t decide where to put his hands. He brushed his fingertips over Kyo’s back reverently, a dramatic contrast from the way his thrusts were speeding up as he started to fuck Kyo harder.

Kyo wasn’t complaining in the slightest. His hands were still splayed on the wall in front of him and his hips were working constantly, fucking himself back on Die’s cock again and again. The air was filled with the lovely sound of his low grunts and groans as he clearly got more enjoyment from this than Die had expected, or even really hoped.

“God, you take my cock so well,” Die said. He was having a hard time doing anything but looking down at where his dick was disappearing into Kyo’s ass, watching it slide into him with a kind of wonder. “So perfect for me, so tight…” He had that feeling again, like he and Kyo were already part of each other, like no one and nothing had ever seemed so effortless and straightforward as this did.

Kyo whimpered, the sound much higher than the others he had been making, and Die reached around him to get his hand around Kyo’s length. He was completely hard, the shaft already a bit sticky with pre-cum, and the feeling of him against Die’s palm had Die pausing in his thrusts in case he was driven over the edge from it.

“I love how you feel,” Die said, leaning down over Kyo more, his words hardly more than breath against Kyo’s shoulder. “Pushing back against me, in my hand, everything. You’re so good, Kyo, and I’m going to cum so hard because you feel so fucking amazing.”

Kyo clenched briefly around Die and let out a soft moan. “Die…”

“You’re doing so good,” Die said. He felt Kyo’s cock give a little throb, and started to pump it more eagerly. “I wish you could see how beautiful you are right now.”

Kyo’s shoulders tensed up and then shook as he shuddered out a breath.

Die thrust in deep and rocked his hips gently a few times, focusing more on Kyo’s cock in his hand. “How does it feel?”

“G-good,” Kyo managed. One of his hands was a fist now and he pounded it once against the wall. “Fuck, Die, so— _so_ good.”

“I want to feel you,” Die said. His thumb ran through the pre-cum beading at the tip of Kyo’s cock before he went back to stroking, keeping his pace steady as started up his full thrusts again. “Want you to cum all over the wall in front of you. Will you do that for me?”

“I—yes, yes, _yes, Die_!” Kyo’s hips jerked towards Die’s hand a couple more times and then he was moaning, the sound of it choked off and beautiful, as his cum spattered the wall.

Whether it was the sound of Kyo’s moan, the feeling of him tightening around Die’s cock, or the sight of his cum as Die glimpsed it dripping down the wall, Die wasn’t sure, but it wasn’t like he spent a long time considering it, because the next thing he knew he was following Kyo over the edge, gasping as he shook with the force of his orgasm. He braced himself with one hand on the wall next to Kyo’s, and stayed leaning over him for a moment, nuzzling against Kyo’s shoulder before carefully pulling out and stepping back. He kept one hand on Kyo’s hip in case he needed support, but Kyo just sort of turned around and collapsed back against the wall, out of the way of the mess he’d made, looking so much happier and more relaxed than Die was used to seeing him.

“C’mere,” Kyo said, tugging on Die’s wrist until he was close enough for him to kiss again. 

Die wondered at what point each kiss with Kyo would stop feeling so significant. He hoped that point would never come; he wanted to cherish every kiss from Kyo forever.

Kyo finally broke the kiss by smiling too broadly, forcing Die to lean back so he could see him properly. He laced their fingers together, squeezing Die’s hand lightly.

“Bed?” Die asked.

Kyo wrinkled his nose. “So _far_. Couch.”

Die laughed and started moving towards the couch, keeping his hand linked with Kyo’s. He let go once Kyo sat down and excused himself to the bathroom to clean up.

Being in Kyo’s bathroom was another strange experience. Kyo’s _toothbrush_ was in here, his contact solution, his moisturizer. It was all the little elements that he never thought about Kyo needing, even though obviously he did, and Die enjoyed the humanity of it. Once he’d disposed of the condom and made himself a bit less sticky, he came back with some damp paper towels and cleaned the spot on the wall, much to Kyo’s apparent amusement.

“Hey, you know, you _told_ me to do that,” Kyo snickered from where he was still sprawled on the couch.

“And so, since it’s _your_ wall, I’m being nice and cleaning it up,” Die said, glancing over his shoulder at him. Kyo was still grinning in his crookedly perfect way, and Die couldn’t really look at him without smiling himself. He finished up and came to sit on the couch with him, letting Kyo lean against his shoulder.

“I’m glad I finally listened to you,” Kyo said. “Thank you… for being patient.”

“I will always do my best to be patient with you,” Die said, taking Kyo’s hand. He rubbed little circles on the back of it as he said, “You can always take your time, or let me know if I’m going too fast, somehow.”

Kyo snorted and opened his mouth and then closed it again. “I’m not gonna make that joke, either.”

“You’re really full of it today,” Die said.

Kyo shook his head. “I am letting so many of these go, man.”

Die laughed. They sat peacefully until Die said, “Thank you, too, for giving me the chance. I know I’ve had the chance to tell you how I felt ever since I realized it, and it’s my own fault for not coming out with it sooner, but yeah. I’m sorry I waited.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Kyo said, tilting his head so he could look up at Die better. “But now things are… as they should be.”

“I feel that way, too,” Die agreed. He hesitated before saying what he kept thinking, “Kyo, I really hope you’ll forgive Shinya.”

Kyo’s eyes went wide and he sat up. “You’re seriously bringing him up now.”

“If things are as they should be, then you and Shinya should be close and should trust each other,” Die said. “I hate seeing things so wrong between you and knowing I caused it.”

“You didn’t cause it,” Kyo said. His jaw was set and Die could tell there was more anger there than Kyo really liked to let on.

“It wasn’t all Shinya’s fault,” Die said. “It’s not like he trapped and seduced me. I wouldn’t even have been there, except I was _looking_ for distraction. Did he tell you we spent the entire evening talking about _you_?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “You and Shinya talked about me… what, during…?”

“Not _during_ ,” Die said, hoping his face showed just how much he disapproved of Kyo’s suggestion. “But I was… worried about you. And Shinya worries about you too; that’s why we were drinking together.”

“So you’re saying it’s my own fault?” Kyo said.

“No,” Die said, shaking his head quickly. “Just that in a strange way, you brought me and Shinya together, and then _that_ brought me and _you_ together. Things happen mysteriously.”

“That much is true,” Kyo said.

“Shinya never meant to betray you is all I’m saying,” Die said. “I am grateful to him because without him, who knows when I would have been able to find the courage to make a move on you? Plus, you know, he’s given me multiple lectures on how I had better not mistreat you.”

“Irony, cute,” Kyo said.

“I’m not telling you to get over it right this second and call him up to come have dinner with us—please don’t do that, I don’t really want to share you tonight—but maybe remember that he’s Shinya, and don’t let it consume your friendship, this grudge,” Die said, looking sadly at Kyo. He squeezed his hand tightly. “That’s all.”

“Hmm.” Kyo nodded, his eyes focused on something Die couldn’t see. After a long pause he looked back at Die and smiled. “You never really have to share me, you know.”

“Pfft, that’s what you’re taking away from what I said?” Die pulled Kyo closer. “You’re awful.” He leaned in and kissed Kyo’s cheekbone.

“Hey,” Kyo said, “What happened to all the _nice_ things you were saying? I’m awful now?”

“You’re always awful, and always gorgeous, and always amazing,” Die said, getting his arms around Kyo and dragging him half into his lap. “And I always love you.”

“Well, as long as that part stays true,” Kyo said, one corner of his mouth twitching upward. “I love you, too, Die.” He shifted enough to kiss Die’s lips, and this time, Die didn’t feel the need to analyze it whatsoever.


End file.
